I have believed in Jesus Christ for as long as I can remember. I went to church regularly and in High School I officially accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior. In retrospect, I realize how big God has been in my life and my successes (as well as failures). I realize how life is a test. A test of my free will. A test of discernment. God always prepares us for the tests and challenges we face in life. We have to be willing to hear his Word so we can always be prepared.
During college, I lost several key family members which caused me to spiral out of control. Though I never lost my faith, I began to spiral into a deep pit of sadness. At this time, God truly carried me. I finished college and had no real plan on what was next. I needed to escape. Leave what was familiar and try my hand at life. I had no idea that by taking a leap of faith I would catapult into the biggest spiritual awakening I have ever experienced.
After college, I moved to Florida where I worked with mentally disabled adults (whom I absolutely love). It was in Florida where my connection with God deepened. I realized that my successes were a direct result of my relationship with Him. I was doing well and I was provided for because I literally searched and hungered for God. This does not mean I didn’t make mistakes, but I constantly sought forgiveness and thirsted to know God more. I “dated” God. Yes, an actual date. I would wake up and plan a date. Have breakfast at the park, listen to praise and worship music, read scripture and pray, have a picnic lunch, watch a sermon, read scripture and pray, dinner, more scripture and prayer.
I would go on these “dates” several times a month to reconnect with God. I realize now, that all this was preparing me for dark times ahead.
I ended up leaving the country to go to school. To date, this has been the lowest point of my life. I felt alone and spiraled into a mild depression. I lost 16 pounds in 4 months (I’m a small girl and that is a lot of weight to drop) because I was too sad, angry, and confused to notice I hadn’t eaten. I was literally disconnected. I continued to seek God, but I was angry. Angry that things were not working out according to my plan.
There lies the problem. “According to MY plan.” God does not work according to the plans of man:
“But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.” -Isaiah 40:31
I realized that I was working on my own time and my own plan. I WAS WORKING. God does not need my help to do anything. He uses me because He wants His glory to be shown but there is NOTHING that I can do without Him. He gives me strength. I was relying on my own strength and I was growing weary. God prepared me to go off on my own. I made it (after lots of suffering). God literally carried me through. I still feel sad and disconnected but I no longer beat myself up about it. Instead I remember that God has a plan for me. I pray that I follow the path He has in store for my life.
I hope whoever is reading this truly understands that life is not easy, but with God you can make it through. I have experienced the loss of my mother, grandmother, god-mother, and grandfather. I have experienced depression and disappointment, but God has prepared me and placed a mission in my heart. I still have no idea what God has in store for my life but I know that it is more than I can imagine and my heart is content.
Be content with where you are. God has a plan that is mighty. Wherever you are in life at this moment, commit to allowing God to intervene and take control. The blessings flow from there.
-Be Blessed, Kay H